Partners?
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: All of the RE-characters own a copy of Resident Evil 5, and they like nothing more than playing co-op together. This story contains their conversations over their headsets. Side-story to Evil Letters to Capcom.
1. Chapter 1

Kind of a side-story to Evil Letters to Capcom, but not completely. This is where they PLAY the game, rather than write Capcom a Letter full of complaints.  
I am currently working on Chris' Letter to Capcom (yes, I really am! almost done!), and when I got sick of it five minutes ago, I had this idea.

Summary in short? Every character owns a copy of RE5, and they love to co-op with each other. Let's see what they talk about while doing so.  
Hurray for headsets. I love mine. :3

**Warnings;** OOC? Crack? Mild language? Sexual references? AU? These are pretty short. Chris is so… bi-sexual.

Enjoy?

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Chris x ThePower.

He had just logged on to Playstation Network, when suddenly he realized someone had sent him a friend-invite. A bit curious Chris clicked on the message and read the profile of his new wannabe friend.

"ThePower…" He read out loud. "Now who would that be?"

Being the nice man he is, Chris added this person to his list and was pleased to see ThePower was online at that moment. ThePower was playing Resident Evil 5, so Chris figured adding him had been a good decision.

Just as he was typing up a message to say hello to his new friend, ThePower had invited him to play a game together. Chris was in for a nice game of Resident Evil 5, and so he joined ThePower's game, put his headset on and got ready to do some shooting, healing and talking.

"Hello," Chris heard a voice coming from his earphone, "is this Chris Redfield? The real one?"

"Yes…" Chris replied, a bit hesitant. "Who are you?"

"I'm amazing, I am hot, I am awesome and you're not. I look good, even in the shower, and you will soon Witness The Power!" ThePower practically yelled. "I'm Jack Krauser, how are you?"

Jack Krauser… Chris had heard that name before. He had heard about that man from Leon, when Leon had been in a bad mood. Chris had even seen pictures of Krauser before, pictures he had liked a lot. He remembered seeing one of those pictures and thinking 'That is what I want to look like!'

It had been Krauser that made Chris feel tiny. It had been Krauser that made Chris decide to work out more often and grow some bigger muscles. It had all been Krauser, and now Krauser was his friend…

Chris felt a smile form on his lips. "Oh my God, Krauser! I'm your biggest fan!"

Krauser chuckled lightly. "I'm not surprised."

"Tell me your secrets! Tell me all of them!" Chris said with a high-pitched voice while choosing weapons to use in the game. "How did you get so big? Because I keep trying, but I just can't seem to become any bigger than I am right now!"

"Dude, I added you only to play co-op, I don't care how big you are or want to be." Krauser picked a handgun, shotgun and a magnum to bring along. He refused to get ammo too, because Krauser didn't need ammo. Or so he thought, anyway.

"Anabolic steroids?" Chris dared to ask. "Otherwise something must be damn wrong with you… I doubt you go to the gym every day for six hours, right?" He hoped Krauser didn't, because though Chris liked working out, doing so every day would be a pain in the ass. "Right?"

Before starting the game, Krauser changed his mind and also decided to bring a rocket launcher with him. He then pressed X and the game started.

"So Krauser, listen up right… Do you still work for Wesker?" Chris asked even before they had killed their first victim. "Because if you don't, we can partner up. We would be unstoppable. The Muscles of Mayhem. The Giants of Good. The Steroids of…" Chris couldn't think of anything else that sounded catchy to him.

"Stupidity?" Krauser finished their Superhero Team name. "Not in a million years."

"Come on…" Chris pleaded.

"Aren't you partners with that Jill?" Krauser made his first kill on the screen. And his second. "Also, I still work for Wesker and I am enjoying that, so I doubt I'll ever quit or get fired."

Chris ignored the piece of information his idol had shared with him and instead focused on the cut-scene that was shown on his screen. He frowned, he wasn't very fond of how it showed Excella's boobs, and he decided it was time to write Capcom an angry letter. But not until he had finished his game with ThePower Krauser.

"Does that turn you on?" Chris asked Krauser.

Jack coughed, deafening Chris because his headset was set on the loudest possible. "Does what?"

"Excella's rack, what else?"

"No," Jack replied. "I find Wesker to be much more appealing to the eyes… And ears, for that matter. Ever since I kidnapped Ashley, I have been a bit afraid of women."

"So you're gay?"

"No, I'm just not straight either." Came Krauser's dark voice. "Now shut up, you're getting on my nerves."

Chris smiled to himself again and blushed a little. Something had become visible in his pants, and it wasn't a roll of quarters. Suddenly Chris' eyes widened. He wasn't gay, was he? Quickly he grabbed a photo album from his shelf and took a look at the picture he had taken of Jill when she was wearing a bikini. The 'roll of quarters' became even bigger, so he sighed with relief. It was probably just the excitement, and it didn't have anything to do with Krauser at all.

"Hey Redfield, you're allowed to shoot Majini too, ya know?" Krauser stated with an annoyed tone of voice. "Just because you play as Sheva doesn't mean I have to do everything."

"Ah yes." Chris quickly shot a few Majini and resumed his mission to get to know Krauser's secrets. "Come on, can't you tell me? I won't tell anyone else and I promise I won't become bigger than you are!"

Krauser just sighed.

"You added me to your friends, right? Friends share, you know? We share secrets. How about I tell you a secret, and you tell me one?" Chris thought that maybe that would be a good idea. One secret for one secret. It really was that simple.

Krauser snickered. "Okay."

Chris inhaled deeply and thought for a few seconds. He didn't have that many secrets, but the secrets he did have, he liked to keep quiet. After a few seconds of pondering whether or not to tell his gayest secret, one only Jill knew about, he just decided it didn't matter if Krauser knew. It was still his idol, after all. "Well you see…" Chris started, "I once kissed Barry Burton..."

Krauser muttered something under breath and sighed. "How is that a secret? I once kissed HUNK when I was drunk, nothing odd there."

"I wasn't finished yet." Chris replied annoyed. "I once kissed Barry Burton… his chest. And I wasn't drunk, I think. But Barry was, that's a fact."

Krauser laughed out loud and equipped his rocket launcher. "Listen Redfield, you're quite stupid telling me that, and then thinking I will tell you a secret too. I just wanted to play, but so far you're a worse partner than Nemesis, and his hands are so big, he usually presses the wrong buttons." Now Krauser had fired the rocket launcher. "I'm sorry but… This relationship isn't working out for me."

'Krauser is now offline' read the corner of Chris' TV screen. The rest of the screen read 'you are dead'.

"That fuckface killed me! He killed me! Oh, I will get him back for that…" Chris threw the controller across the room and watched it land on his potbelly pig. "Oops, I'm sorry Little Ham, I won't do it again." And then he turned off his Playstation 3 and stalked off to complain to Leon.

Only five minutes after leaving the house, Chris' phone started to bleep. He opened it and noticed three new text messages.

'Chris… Jack told me you kissed Barry. I finally understand what Barry said to me twelve years ago. He said 'I felt someone's lips on my chest… Hope they weren't Chris' lips!" Thank you for making my day a bit more amusing. - Wesker.'

'Ohai Chris, I don't know you too well, but I am glad you are pro-gay-marriage. You're invited to come to mine and Leon's! xoxox Luis.'

'Chris! My chest! That was YOU? Oh gross, I hoped it was Jill or something. Damnit, stay away from me from now on, will you?'

Chris sighed and silently shook his head. Five minutes, and word had already gotten around. And he wasn't even really gay, it was probably just a phase.

"Fucking PS3… I'm never adding people to my friends list again…"

* * *

And that was chapter one... I hope to be done with his Letter this weekend. I hope you liked this, I am probably going to write more of these.

Have a nice night!

FUNK


	2. Chapter 2

_I was planning on updating Seven Simple Rules, but then a dude I co-op with, the Stranger or as he's named here, Metal-licious Mayhem, came with up putting these two guys in 'Partners?', and so I did._

Inspired by, obviously, conversations with said co-op/author (to be)/Strangah.

**I do not own Resident Evil, Capcom does. **

Thanks a bunch for reviewing chapter 1; **Project X, EcoSeeker247, grissrox, Metal-licious Mayhem, Biohazrd23, Ultimolu, boss-slayer, atheism4u, A Chesire's Grin, Prisonerksc2-303, Weskytron4211 and riddlebox89 **(to answer your question, I never counted the amount of quarters in Chris' roll, perhaps you should?)

I really, as always appreciate it BIG TIME!

**Now, enjoy ^^**

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There was one man on the Playstation Network that was great at making friends, but not half as great at keeping them. While he would add everyone he knew to his list, and play with them, most of those friends would already delete him after about five minutes.

There were people that had made it past the five minutes, but they just didn't understand the English language very well, and therefore didn't care about how much that one man would nag. They would just turn the volume down and enjoy their games after all.

However, there was one friend that didn't leave after five minutes. There was one friend who could cope with the endless rants and annoying one-liners, and that friend was Leon S. Kennedy, on the Playstation Network also known as LEEEEOOONNN911.

On a cold winter night, after he had eaten dinner and fed his pigeons, Mr. Merchant, who was also known as MrMerchant9000, turned on his Playstation 3.  
He noticed a lot of friends weren't on his list anymore, and that he had gotten a lot of new messages, so he read the messages one by one.

'_For your information, I have got a whopping 3.000.000 in currency in this game, so the next time you tell me 'not enough cash, strangah!' I will shove all of my virtual money down your throat, have I made myself clear? – BradChickers'_

Mr. Merchant frowned to himself. "If he even just sees me in real life, he will hide behind a rock… Dang strangah, lotta talk, no actions."

'_It's a VIDEOGAME! A game! A GAME! Leave me alone, mister! – BeccaLovesBilly'_

"One day, everything will happen over the internet, lil' lady, so I'm just practicing for the future…"

'_Duuuuuude… Dude, listen… Last night I took Chris' potbelly pig, Little Ham, for a walk, and I lost him. Ya gotta get me a new one, I'm willing to pay quite the few bucks for it! – SherrySherBirkin'_

"Lil' ladies these days, no sense of responsibility whatsoever."

'_I sent this to everyone on my list… Have you seen Little Ham? If so, call me, e-mail me or message me. It is URGENT! – RedfieldRocks'_

Mr. Merchant frowned again. "That ain't my problem, strangah…"

'_A.T.E. H.A.M. L.A.S.T. N.I.G.H.T! :D x. – N.E.M.M.Y_

"Well, at least that giant always fixes every problem within a few hours…" Mr. Merchant decided to leave the other messages for what they were, as he was sick of reading about Chris' little pet, and noticed Leon was online.

With a smirk he invited his 'friend' to join his game, and waited. He didn't have to wait long, because just as he was picking weapons and buying acid rounds, Leon popped up.

"Hey!" Leon's voice sounded over the headset.

"Ah… Strangah… What're ya buyin'?"

Leon remained silent for a few seconds, and picked his own weapons to bring along.

"Strangah, strangah… Now that's a weapon!" Mr. Merchant cheered as he saw Leon pick the stun rod. "Ya can stun people with that!"

Leon grunted something under his breath and was almost afraid to do anything else. But seeing as the stun rod alone wouldn't really help him on Veteran, he also picked a handgun and a shotgun.

"Ah, the choice of an avid gun collector! It's got a three-round fire capability! It's a nice gun, strangah…" Mr. Merchant commented on the M93R handgun. "Also, that be a pretty good shotgun ya got there, too! Its range is pretty impressive, if I may say so meself!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Leon muttered. "Now are you ready, or what?"

"Strangah, I'm always ready when it comes to shootin' things! I got everything I need right 'ere, and I ain't worried we're gonna get hurt… But dontcha wanna bring a spray or something? I sell them sprays, only a thousand pesetas each!"

A strange sound was heard over the headset as Leon was knocking himself in the head with his controller.

"Strangah, don't get injured already, I ain't gonna use all of my sprays on you, they don't pay for themselves, ya know?"

Leon heaved a deep sigh. "It's a game, you cannot use your virtual sprays to cure my real injuries…" He scratched his throat. "Do you know how many people dislike you? That's because you always say the same things, over and over again, in that annoying accent of yours."

Mr. Merchant shrugged, though that wasn't visible over Playstation Network. "I dun care strangah, gotta make a living, right?"

"But they… Can't you just… Oh never mind, just start the game, please."

They started the game and it was quiet for a few minutes, as Sheva and Chris, or in this case Mr. Merchant and Leon, killed off some Lickers and made their way around the area. Only seconds before the fight against Jill and Wesker, Mr. Merchant suddenly yelled 'wait!' over the headset.

Leon's character, Chris, stood still in his tracks, and Leon asked Mr. Merchant what exactly was going on.

"Strangah… Ya can't have that treasure that's hanging over the entrance there, unless you buy it at a high price." And with those words, Mr. Merchant steered Sheva over to the treasure, and picked it up.

Leon snickered. "You do realize that we both get that treasure, right?"

"Strangah, please don't ruin my good mood… Just pretend I got it, and you don't. That would be logical, seein' as there was only one hanging there, and I picked it up."

"But…" Once again some strange sounds were heard over the headset as Leon knocked himself in the head with his controller. "You are impossible to talk to…"

"Thanks, strangah, that's really nice of you to say…" Mr. Merchant chuckled his trademark chuckle and pressed the O button to open the door. A few seconds later Leon caught with him too, and they both entered the room behind it.

A cut-scene was shown after they entered, and while Leon tried to skip it because he had seen it several times already, Mr. Merchant refused to skip it himself. Instead, he watched it as if he had never seen it before in his life.

"Strangah, that is Jill! The lady, it's Jill! Still surprises me every time I see it…" Mr. Merchant sounded awfully cheery. "Oh my, it's Wesker too! So he is alive after all!"

"Oh come on!" After several minutes of annoying the hell out of Leon, Leon was finally getting sick of his partner. "You've seen this before, haven't you? Then why watch it again? Don't tell me you never noticed Jill and Wesker before!"

"Oh, I have strangah… It's the small things that make me think happy thoughts."

Leon scratched his ear, which was heard over the headset. "Like what, exactly?"

"That thing on Jill's chest? I want to have it… Perhaps even buy it, but not at a high price."

"Why?"

"Well," Mr. Merchant stated, "it's near her boobs."

Leon was at the loss of words for a minute. He was at the loss of words so badly, that he didn't even notice the virtual Wesker coming up to him. "Are you serious?"

Mr. Merchant chuckled his chuckle again. "No strangah, I'd sell it at a high price…"

"Now who would like to buy that?" Leon asked while carefully steering Chris away from Wesker.

"Someone who likes Jill's boobs," came the rather logical reply. "Now strangah, be nice and shoot Wesker so we get the Heart of Africa treasure. I must have it, I only have sixty in my inventory so far."

Leon groaned loudly and equipped his shotgun before hiding around a corner. He didn't want to play the full seven minutes anyway, so he figured it'd be best to end things quickly.

In the meanwhile he saw that Mr. Merchant was walking around the area, picking up several treasures that were scattered around. Just as Wesker appeared, the corner of his screen blinked with 'Ready'.

"Strangah, help me move this thing so I can get those treasures too!" Mr. Merchant yelled. Then his television started saying 'Chris! Come on! Hurry! Chris!' so Leon left his safe place and helped Mr. Merchant get his treasures.

"You are very materialistic, you know that, Merchant?"

"Ain't nothin' wrong with that, strangah!" Mr. Merchant replied, and he started to grab the treasures out of the what appeared to be a coffin. "Ya know, if Ashley were in this game, she'd hide in that thing!"

"Yes, and if I shoved the lid back on…" Leon snickered.

"She would go 'Leon! Help!" Mr. Merchant continued Leon's sentence.

"Exactly."

"Good times, strangah… Good times."

With all the distraction, neither of the two men was able to get a clear shot at Wesker's back, so they had to play the whole seven minutes without getting the Heart of Africa treasure. While this made Mr. Merchant a little bit angry, he just shrugged it off and figured he would get it the next day. His plan was to collect ninety-nine of each treasure, and then sell all treasures at once, because he wanted to know if his Playstation would go crazy at that. He also wanted to know how much cash that would get him, and how many acid rounds he could buy with that amount of money. And then, if he had all the rounds in the world, he would do a play through on professional with only the grenade launcher and acid rounds.

That was his ultimate gaming dream. To some, he figured, that would sound ridiculous, but… Hey, a merchant can dream, right?

After virtual Wesker was tired of wasting his time on Chris and Sheva, he left with a cut-scene.

"Ya know, strangah… That thing the strangah is holding, that thing that controls Jill's actions? I'd buy it at a high price."

"I bet you would."

"I'd put it on people who work for the bank…"

"That would be stealing…" Leon muttered. "Or robbery."

Mr. Merchant just chuckled and decided not to tell Leon he would only use it so the bankers would let him swim in the money. There were secrets even a merchant wouldn't share with his customers.

After the cut-scene had ended, Leon and Mr. Merchant only needed a few minutes to 'get that device off her chest!' as Sheva would say, and then the chapter had come to an end.

They both skipped the following cut-scenes as they were a little bored after seeing them tons of times, and the results were shown.

Leon laughed out loud. "Hey, you've got a C on this chapter! You must've done really bad before I joined your game!"

"No strangah, I always get C's…"

"Really?" Leon frowned, he thought that the Merchant was probably very bad at the game then.

"Ya don't know what the C stands for?"

"Eh…." Leon just stated.

"It stands for Cash, strangah. Every time I finish a chapter, I get a C for Cash… Ya can't hate that, now can ya?"

"You're insane," Leon stated very clearly. "But that's fine… I'm not completely sane either… Saner than you, though, just so you know."

"I gotta go, strangah, I'm tired. Oh yes, and Nemesis messaged me that he ate Chris' pet, be sure to tell him that, will ya?"

"Okay… Chris is going to be so sad, I'll just buy him a beer before telling him then…" Leon sighed. "Well, good night."

"Just, one thing… Are ya sure you're not selling anything? I saw ya sell something in the inventory screen."

"Oh hell, I didn't know you were watching… I'm sorry, next time I'll sell it to you, okay?" Leon said nicely. In his head he added the words 'even though they're virtual treasures' to the end of that sentence.

"Thanks strangah! Night!"

"Night, Mr. Merchant."

With a content sigh Mr. Merchant went offline and got ready for bed. After all these people he had bugged and chased away, he finally found someone that would put up with his annoying one-liners and small amount of insanity.

He never slept as well as he did after that co-op with Leon. Leon was good friend, and a good friend was worth a lot.

Perhaps even more than cash…

As if he had been struck by lightning, Mr. Merchant sat up in his bed and shook his head. "More than cash? That be madness! I need to get meself a shrink soon!"

After writing that down on the notepad next to his bed, he went back to sleep and dreamt of acid rounds, treasures and Jill's boobs.

Well Mr. Merchant, good night.

* * *

That came out rather easily, I suppose that's the good thing about having some nice co-op partners that actually talk or message. Heh.  
I hope you liked it, strangahs! If ya did, feel free to leave a comment, if ya didn't... Well, I tried.

Now have a nice day!

- FUNK


End file.
